A Big Box of Needles

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

With my cancer, the stages of grief weren't exactly applicable. For me it went more like this:

Numbness. Terror. Xanax. Enlightenment. One big cry. Relief. Three small cries. "Normalcy". F*ck it. Exhaustion. Catastrophizing. Xanax. "Normalcy"....

Once the terror wore off and I knew I would be ok, my biggest concern became fertility. I've always wanted to have kids. I can't handle the sight of squishy, newborn babies... it literally makes my uterus glow. The threat to my ovaries from potential chemo and the reality that I will need to be on Tamoxifen for 3-5 years before I can be pregnant broke my heart more than any of this other stuff.

There are no guarantees in any of this, but when my eventual in-laws offered to help with fertility preservation, I was over the moon.

This past week I went to two fertility doctors. The first one felt like a baby factory. The waiting room was like a space ship, or Epcot in the 90s. Couples moved through the intake rooms and exam rooms. I almost expected a machine to come down from the ceiling and implant a baby into each woman's body.

The second place was smaller. I didn't feel like I was in a factory, but I did feel like I was in a science spa. The waiting room had scenic views on the televisions and soothing music. When we sat down with the doctor, we were offered hot tea from a Tevana style tea set. I really liked the tea!

That's when the explanation of the process began. All I can say is it's bizarre. The things they can do are straight out of a sci-fi movie, but if it means I have a better chance of having my own kids in the future, I'll do it!

After seeing the doctor, Brian and I sat down with a nurse who explained the steps that must be taken before they can even extract my eggs. Here's what I heard... Shots. Needles. Needles. Shots. Needles. Needles. Shots. Needles. NEEDLES.

I don't like needles, but there were bigger things to consider.

Since then I have been preoccupied with whether or not to freeze eggs or embryos (fertilized eggs). The doctor presents you with the "what ifs" regarding you and your partner. Is your relationship solid? What if something happens to one of you? What if this person is the only one you can have a child with and they are no longer around?

My mind has been spinning.

Today, all of the fertility medications were delivered. I'm no longer thinking about eggs vs. embryos because I just received two large shipping boxes of NEEDLES!

The things we do for love...